Three Things Hurting Parents Need to Hear: Medicine for Your Sickened Heart

By Dena Yohe

   I’m the mom of a daughter who’s struggled for over ten years with addictions, self-injury and mental health issues. At times I felt like I was living in the middle of a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. The road has been rough. The path is steep. The nights are long. The days are full of agony. My shame has been great. My guilt has been heavy. Sadness infected every area of my life. Have you experienced this too?
   There are three things I wish I had known sooner in my parenting marathon. When I finally heard them they were like medicine for my sickened heart. If you’re the parent of a troubled son or daughter (or grandchild) you need to hear them sooner rather than later.

1.   You are not alone. We need to say this to ourselves repeatedly until we believe it. This desperate situation isn’t happening only to you and your family. You’re in good company. There are thousands of parents all over the world who suffer with children in turmoil just like you. But we're embarrassed, so we keep it a secret. We stay to ourselves and remain isolated. It only makes the journey harder and more intense.
2.   You are not a bad parent. Although you weren’t perfect, no one is—that’s not your fault. Children have free will to make their own choices. Some of their troubles are genetic, like mental illness or the propensity for alcoholism. You could have done it all absolutely perfect and things still might have ended up like they have. Remember God, the only perfect parent and how even His first two children, Adam and Eve, turned out. He did nothing wrong, made no mistakes and look at what He got. Who are we to think we deserve any better? Please stop beating yourself up, feeling guilty for what you have no control over. Your child made their own choices and they will reap the consequences. God isn’t blaming you.
3.   You are going to be okay. You will get through this. You can learn to detach in love, step back, let go and let God work. You can be at peace with unthinkable circumstances. It really is possible as you trust God with the outcome. One day, joy will return, even if they never do. You can find new purpose, new dreams and goals. Gradually, slowly, in time, you can enjoy life again. You may not have control over your child's choices, but you do have control over how you respond to them. It's what you do now that matters. If your child is under eighteen, get them all the help you can, but don't neglect your own well-being. Take care of yourself, too.

   Remember, this experience with your son or daughter is a lot like a long-distance foot race. At times you think you catch a glimpse of the finish line, but it’s elusive. You can’t quite get there. Some days you feel like you're not going to make it. You’re weary and worn.
   If you’re running alone, I have a suggestion. Please don’t.
   We need to be with others who understand, with people who know our pain and will run alongside of us. How does that sound to you? We need community to finish our parenting race. This is what has helped me the most. It’s the reason my husband and I started one ourselves and now we help others do the same.
   A caring community helped me find endurance, resilience and regain my sanity. Do you have this in your life? If not, I can’t urge you enough to please find a support group and start going this week. A few suggestions are Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or Celebrate Recovery. You can find one near you by searching on the internet. These groups really can help you even if the issue your child is facing isn’t substance abuse. The principles still apply to any situation a person has no control over. I still go to an Al Anon meeting almost every week.